


Your Words Echo Through My Head

by darkgaaraluver



Series: Missing You [1]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-29
Updated: 2019-01-29
Packaged: 2019-10-19 02:40:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17593064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkgaaraluver/pseuds/darkgaaraluver
Summary: 5 Times Pearl felt alone +1orBismuth's words haunt Pearl until she's there to say them herself again.





	Your Words Echo Through My Head

**Author's Note:**

> This is my very first Steven Universe fanfic! I tried very hard to do my two favorite characters justice, but as it's my first attempt and I don't even read much fanfic for steven universe my characters may be a bit ooc. Apologies in advance. I really love Pearl to death but she always makes me so sad that I had to write something for her.

1.

 

Pearl knew it was a bad idea even as it was happening. What kind of Pearl  _ fell in love  _ with their Diamond? 

 

Her.

 

Her kind of Pearl. 

 

She was so young back then. Young and with a job to do and her Diamond shone so  _ bright _ when she was happy. 

 

She’d fallen so hard, so fast, that she hadn’t even hesitated to throw herself into a war. A war that was for and  _ against _ her Pink Diamond. She made herself a weapon. Another shield for Pink- for Rose Quartz to use in battle. She fought and fought, with only the look in Rose’s eye when she first saw the planet as a motivator. The idea of the two of them living together after the fighting. Of Rose being happy all the time. 

 

Slowly as they’d gathered other rebel fighters the dream of  _ after _ changed to include them all together, maybe in their own court on Earth where they could be free. 

 

But it’s never included  _ this-this _ . 

 

Pearl knew that Rose liked humans. Liked to spend time with them and learn about them when she had time. But to catch her  _ kissing one.  _

 

And now Pearl couldn’t get it out of her head even days later.  _ Battles _ later. Pearl had been  _ poofed _ five times since then. 

 

Rose hadn’t ever brought it up in those moments they’d spent together since then. Not as Rose and her knight or Pink Diamond and her Pearl. 

 

She’d managed to get both of her swords damaged in the last battle due to her distraction. She knew Bismuth wouldn’t mind having to make her new ones, but Pearl still felt guilty about the extra work. 

 

Normally she loved coming to Bismuth’s forge. Watching Bismuth work was like magic. The way she moved with a purpose Pearl couldn’t help but admire. 

 

And Bismuth herself. Well. She liked to keep up a steady stream of talk while she worked. A lot of it was flirting. Flirting with  _ her _ of all gems. Pearl found it hard to believe anyone would bother. But she couldn’t pretend she didn’t enjoy the attention. She knew it couldn’t be serious though. Bismuth could have flirted with everyone for all Pearl knew. 

 

Pearl always tried her best to stay away from all the other fighters except Rose’s very innermost group. She could never be sure how the others would react to her. Either awed at the Pearl who learned to fight, or dismissive. On top of that there was always the looming horror at the thought of one of them recognizing her as Pink Diamond’s Pearl. 

 

Now Pearl couldn’t even pay attention to anything, the future yawned ahead of her in a way it hadn’t ever before. Cold, and dark, and empty. 

 

A warm hand landing on her shoulder jerked her back to the present.

 

“Hey doll, where’s your head at?” Bismuth’s voice was gentle. 

 

Just the acknowledgment made tear’s gather in Pearl’s eyes. She tilted her head out of Bismuth’s line of sight.

 

“You usually love getting new weapons, our little badass Pearl. If it’s cause you broke the last two you know I don’t mind.” Despite Pearl having turned her head Bismuth kept her hand on Pearl’s shoulder. 

 

Pearl shrugged her hand off and immediately regretted it.  She tried to keep her voice distant when she spoke, her eyes closed,  but it came out with a slight wobble despite Pearl’s best efforts. “I’m- I’m fine. I was just thinking of my duties. That’s all.”

 

Bismuth moved so she was kneeling in front of Pearl on the floor, her head just slightly below Pearl’s where she was sitting on the wall of Bismuth’s lava pit. She reached out and cupped Pearl’s face gently. Always so gently. It startled Pearl into opening her eyes, letting tears run down her cheeks. 

 

“Oh Pearl. Please talk to me.”

 

“It’s- it’s so stupid! I caught Rose kissing a human! A  _ human! _ I just can’t stop thinking about it!” Pearl was sobbing out, “I know, I know I’m just a Pearl. I know! But I let myself think- It doesn’t matter. I just thought maybe she could care for me… The way I care for her. I thought maybe she did but… Maybe I’m just delusional.”

 

Bismuth had tears running down her own face to match Pearl’s, but she used her thumbs to wipe away Pearl’s instead of bothering with her own. Pearl grasping desperately at the backs of Bismuth’s hands. “Pearl. Pearl look at me.”

 

Pearl took a deep breath to stop her sobbing, the tears were still coming but she did her best to look at Bismuth.

 

“Pearl. Who do you belong to?”

 

Pearl’s heart jumped from her chest up her throat in fear. 

 

Bismuth seemed to see it written all over Pearl’s face. “Pearl.  _ No one. _ Whatever useless upper crust owned you before doesn’t have anything on you anymore. You don’t belong to Rose Quartz or anyone. This is  _ Earth _ . This is  _ freedom. _ You can be with Rose Quartz or-or anyone.” Bismuth stumbled a bit at the end but picked it back up strong. “You are  _ amazing _ . You ran away from your old master and are now the second-in-command of the biggest rebellion Homeworld ever faced. There is  _ nothing  _ you don’t deserve. There is  _ no one _ you are unworthy of. On top of that Pearl, Rose depends on you more than anyone. Even I can see she cares about you. This is just a human. As much as Rose loves them it’s just not the same. They don’t have our lifespan.”

 

Pearl’s tears had stopped. She could feel her eye’s widen the longer Bismuth talked. In the end the only thing she could get out was a breathless, “Oh Bismuth…”

 

A huge blush bloomed over Bismuth’s face. After a moment of just staring at each other she pulled her hands away to cover her face and stand up. Pearl was quick to stand up after her and try and pull her hands away. Bismuth allowed it, her face still dark with a blush. Seeing her like this melted something in Pearl. 

 

“Oh Bismuth. You really meant it. Everything you’ve said to me. The flirting…”

 

Bismuth changed the position of her hands to hold Pearls, bringing them down between them. Her blush still faintly there, but her confidence returning. “Of course I mean everything! I never say anything I don’t mean Pearl. You’re amazing. Don’t let anyone treat you otherwise.”

 

Bismuth brought Pearl’s hand up and kissed the back, making it Pearl’s turn to blush. “I know you love Rose. But I’ll be here for you if you want me.”

 

“Bismuth..”

 

Pearl didn’t know what she was going to say but it didn’t matter, because Rose interrupted them from the doorway. “Pearl, there you are! I need help with some business, could you please come here?” She had her head peaked in and Pearl ripped her hands out of Bismuth’s grip on reflex at just her voice. “Hi Bismuth! Are you helping Pearl with some new swords? Those last ones were beautiful.”

 

Bismuth swallowed heavily. “I do my best. I’ll have Pearl’s swords done by daybreak. She’s… easy to find inspiration for.”

 

Pearl could tell Bismuth’s voice was off. But when Rose said business she meant Pink Diamond business. So Pearl pushed everything down. “Of course. I’ll be right there Rose. You should go on ahead, I just need one last word with Bismuth.”

 

Rose’s smile dipped almost into a frown. Pearl wondered exactly what kind of business Pink Diamond had to get up to tonight. “Of course Pearl, I’ll be waiting for you.”

 

As soon as Rose left Pearl turned back to Bismuth. She leaned up and pressed her lips against Bismuth’s cheek softly, lingering as long as she dared. 

 

When she pulled away Bismuth was smiling at her sadly. Pearl’s face was a good mirror. “Do you really think Rose Quartz will care so much?”

 

Pearl glanced at the doorway and back. “No, I’m not sure if she’d care at all. But. I do. The last thing I want to do is get you involved in something so complicated.”

 

Bismuth chuckled weakly. “Well, at least she has a chance of deserving you. You were made for Diamonds Pearl.”

 

“Thank you, so much Bismuth.” Pearl turned toward the exit, partly because she needed to leave, but partly to hide the tears gathering back up in her eyes. She was made for Diamonds. 

 

She couldn’t get close to Bismuth and lie to her like she had to to everyone else. She couldn’t fuse with her and keep a secret. And Pink Diamond needed her. 

 

2.

 

She couldn’t believe she’d just done that.  _ Poofed Pink Diamond. Her _ a  _ Pearl! _

 

She could hear the celebrations from around camp, but felt so distanced from it. 

 

Holding that sword, dawning that form. She’d felt the bite of it herself over and over again, having to be poofed everytime Rose switched between Rose Quartz and Pink Diamond to change her form enough to not be recognized. But to turn it around and use it on Pink Diamond herself! 

 

Pearl hadn’t stopped crying since. She knew Rose could reform any minute, but she couldn’t stop. 

 

She  _ wanted  _ this. To bring the duplicity to an end. To stop the fighting. The gems they’d lost, the constant poofing and even  _ cracking _ . The danger and stress. Over with one swing of a blade. To be trusted enough to do this last thing for Pink Diamond. 

 

Pearl sent many silent thanks to Bismuth. She had had to cut so close to Pink Diamond’s gem. If it was any other sword she might have cracked her. She wished she could thank her in person, but Bismuth had been gone for a long time now. 

 

Pearl curled her hands into fists at the reminder. Rose hadn’t even been able to tell her how it had happened. It was the first time Rose ever held her while she cried.

 

They hadn’t talked about what they could have been after that first night, but Bismuth had continued to be a solid presence for Pearl that she could really use right now.

 

But even if she was here Pearl could never tell  _ anyone. _ Maybe it was better she was gone and Pearl was alone.

 

Alone with the secrets and the lies. Right where she belonged.

  
  


3.

 

She was gone. 

 

Really truly gone.

 

What use was Pearl now? Without her? Without purpose?

 

It was just Pearl and their secrets now. That’s all she had left.

 

She would treasure them. She had too.

 

It’s all she had left.

 

She didn’t care about this new ‘Steven’. It was hard to believe she ever would. 

 

Even now that it was done she could hardly believe that Rose would give up everything. Her, the crystal gems, the duty they still had to the corrupted gems,  _ everything _ . For  _ this. _

 

For a human, for this  _ child. _

 

She left somewhere Pearl couldn’t follow. 

 

What would she do without her Pearl?

 

A voice from the past whispered through Pearl’s mind “ _ Pearl. Who do you belong to?” “No one.”  _

 

But she did. She belonged to Pink Diamond, and now she was alone.

 

“ _ You were made for Diamonds.” _

 

She pounded her fist into the sand over and over. It hurt so much to remember.

 

Bismuth didn’t know how right she was and now. 

 

Now they’re both gone.

  
  


4.

 

Pearl hadn’t meant it. Had never meant it like that.

 

Tricking Garnet into fusion over and over. 

 

She was ashamed of herself. 

 

She had just  _ needed _ someone so badly, and she hadn’t even noticed really. Then they fused the first time and… well…

 

It reminded her of Rose. Of Rainbow Quartz and togetherness. Of not being so painfully  _ alone _ with herself. Of times just after the war when it was first safe for Pearl to fuse with Garnet without spilling secrets, now that she had a lock on it. 

 

It was more solid than Opal. Pearl always felt like she was strapping Amethyst down, limiting her. 

 

Pearl liked it better when she fused with someone who could lead, could bolster her up. Could march forward with or without her but  _ chose _ to bring her. 

 

She wanted someone who wanted  _ her.  _

 

_ “I’ll be here when you want me.” _

 

Pearl splashed the water in front of her. Stupid Bismuth. Pearl didn’t deserve anyone.

 

_ “There is nothing you don’t deserve. There is no one you are unworthy of.” _

 

“SHUT UP! You’re dead and gone and I’m USELESS! I really will push everyone away and be truly alone at this rate. I don’t deserve them and they DON’T DESERVE ME!”

 

_ “Who do you belong to?” “No one.” _

 

Pearl’s sob echoed around her room.

  
  


5.

 

Steven had gone to bed hours ago, the other crystal gems off to their own rooms.

 

Pearl sat alone in the dark on the couch and listened intently to Steven’s soft snores emanating from his bed.

 

She could have lost him today. She could have lost him because she was so blinded by her own happiness she stopped paying attention.

 

To see Bismuth again. To be held by her. The sparring and the banter and the shared history. 

 

She’d been mad at first that Rose wouldn’t tell her at least about Bismuth, but if she knew how close the two were… Well. Pearl could hardly blame her now. She couldn’t really even fault Rose for bubbling Bismuth in the first place. Bismuth had essentially told Rose how she wanted to shatter her to her face. 

 

She desperately wanted to blame someone though. 

 

What were the alternatives though? Telling Bismuth the truth so she could turn against Rose? Let her try and shatter Pink? 

 

Pearl raised a hand to her mouth in horror. If Bismuth wasn’t bubbled she may have been corrupted.

 

Pearl squeezed her eyes tight and held back a sob.

 

Pearl stood up abruptly. So abruptly that she banged the coffee table.

 

Pearl held still in the sudden silence of the house.

 

After a few seconds Pearl heard Steven speak quietly from his bed, “Pearl? Are you okay?”

 

Pearl tried to swallow her feelings enough to answer normally, but couldn’t get the lump out of her throat. 

 

She took so long Steven spoke up again. “I won’t be mad that you’re watching me sleep again cause I know it was a hard day okay?”

 

The lump in Pearl’s throat melted into tears. She spoke to Steven in an equally soft voice. “I’m okay Steven. I’m just… Really glad that you’re okay.”

 

Steven yawned. “Thanks Pearl. I’m glad you’re okay too. Goodnight.”

 

Pearl stood still until she heard Steven start snoring again, then walked as quietly as she could to the temple door.

  
  


\---------------------------------------------------------------

 

Looking at Bismuth in her bubbled form was like a kick to the chest. She couldn’t stop the tears even if she wanted to.

 

Pearl reached up and gently held Bismuth’s bubble by her fingertips. Having heard her voice so recently in person she could hear it even better in her mind than usual.

 

‘ _ This is  _ Earth!  _ This is  _ Freedom!’

 

Was it?

 

Pearl kneeled on the floor of the temple. 

 

Bismuth was trapped in a bubble and Pearl was trapped in a web of lies she couldn’t see herself ever escaping. If this was the price of all the so-called freedom, then what’s the point? She felt so far away from Pink’s smile now.

 

Pearl held the bubble up against her gem. 

 

For just a day she had been so close to Bismuth. She was still so close to Bismuth. She could just… 

 

For a second her fingers tightened on the bubble.

 

Then released it entirely. 

 

It floated up and Pearl sobbed into her hands. 

  
  


+1

 

Pearl could hardly believe that Bismuth was out. Much less that she knew. Everything.

 

Pearl looked on at Bismuth down on the beach helping to set up and sighed.

 

After that first hug she’d done her absolute best to avoid Bismuth as much as possible. To never be left alone with her.

 

It had been milenia since that one conversation. They had years and lies stretched between them now. She wasn’t so young and naive as she was back then. She had done… so many horrible things.

 

She didn’t deserve the chance to explain things to Bismuth. Didn’t deserve the second chance that was right in front of her.

 

Bismuth’s own words floated through her mind.

 

_ “There is nothing you don’t deserve. There is no one you are unworthy of.” _

 

Pearl sighed again. If Bismuth had known everything back then she probably wouldn’t have said that in the first place.

 

A small hand on Pearl’s shoulder startled her out of her thoughts. She whipped around, only to come face to face with Ruby.

 

Ruby smiled at her, “What’s wrong Pearl? I can hear you sigh all the way in the house.”

 

Pearl smiled back. “It’s nothing, really. Just thinking.”

 

Ruby raised an eyebrow at Pearl. “I thought you’d be super happy to have Bismuth back, but you’ve just been sulking.”

 

Pearl blushed. “Wha-What!? Of course I’m happy to have Bismuth back! We all are! I haven’t been sulking at all, I’ve been helping! Helping! Haha!”

 

Ruby’s face dropped. “You know Pearl, last time Bismuth came back Garnet had a vision of you popping her bubble. So we went down to the bubble room to stop you. When you didn’t end up popping it we left cause it seemed like you would want some space. We’ve been trying to find a good time to tell you how proud we were of you for not going through with it. It wouldn’t have ended well.”

 

Pearl was struck speechless.

 

Ruby blushed and rubbed the back of her neck. “It probably doesn’t mean as much coming from just me but…”

 

Pearl lunged forward and hugged Ruby tight. “Thank you so much for telling me. It means a lot to know I did the right thing.”

 

Ruby hugged Pearl back. “A-anytime.”

 

Pearl teared up a bit. “Next time-next time please don’t leave. I hate being alone.”

 

Ruby patted Pearl’s back, and when she replied her voice was thick. “Of course Pearl, we’re your friends.”

 

“I’m sorry I had to hide things from you for so long.”

 

Ruby sniffed. “It’s not your fault. You loved her.”

 

“I did. Yeah.”

 

\------------------------------------------------------------

  
  


Being able to apologize to Ruby bolstered Pearl’s spirit’s for the rest of the day. It was just enough that when Pearl saw Bismuth sitting at the top of the front steps by herself that night when she had gone to check on Steven, that she opened the door.

 

She walked softly. Slowly. Waiting, really, for Bismuth to just tell her to leave.

 

When she got right behind her she spoke in a soft voice. “Is this spot taken?”

 

Bismuth patted the step next to her twice. “Go ahead.”

 

Pearl sat.

 

Now that she was sitting though, she didn’t know how to start. They both just stared straight out at the ocean in silence.

 

Just being this close to Bismuth made Pearl feel warm in a way she hadn’t felt in a long time. She was scared she’d open her mouth and lose it forever. She could already feel the tears building and it made her angry. This wasn’t about what she felt, it was about apologizing to Bismuth. 

 

In the end though it was Bismuth that spoke first. “So you knew the whole time huh? Guess you were really made for Diamonds. You must have gotten a real kick outta me.”

 

Pearl turned quickly to Bismuth, not thinking before she grabbed Bismuth’s hand that was curled in a hard fist in her lap, practically yelling when she spoke up. “Of course not! I don’t know what I would have done without you! I wanted to tell you… Everyday. But I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. I couldn’t endanger Rose’s plans like that.”

 

Pearls voice got softer the longer she spoke, tears now once again running down her face. Bismuth’s alarmed face softened dramatically the longer Pearl spoke. Bismuth used her other hand to lift Pearl’s face to look up at her. “You really wanted to tell me?”

 

Pearl nodded and pulled one hand away to wipe at her tears. “Last time you were here I wanted it more than anything, but Rose… Pink. She put a seal on it. I had to just let you stay bubbled when I could have helped.”

 

Bismuth moved her hand to Pearl’s face, wiping her tears herself. “Did she really make you pretend to shatter her?”

 

Pearl put a hand over Bismuth’s on her face. “Yes. she did. But I wanted to. I wanted to do it for her.”

 

Bismuth pulled her hand away. “Of course you did. You were in love with her and she  _ used you.  _ She used you and left you alone. UGH. It makes me mad!”

 

Pearl left her one hand on Bismuth’s forearm, even as she slumped back into her own space. When she spoke it was quiet. “I don’t… Have the right to defend her to you. But when she left and I was alone there was no one I wanted next to me more than you. But, I’m not really… anything you thought I was. Some days those words you said to me way back then. They were the only thing that got me through. But I never deserved them. Or you. And I’m so sorry for deceiving you.”

 

Bismuth put her hand over Pearl’s. “Oh sweetheart. Of course you are. You were always our rebel Pearl. I don’t blame you for this mess. I can’t. Not when I saw first hand how it was back at the beginning. Rose was something else. I would have followed her to the ends of the galaxy. I never faulted you for falling for someone like that.” Bismuth’s eyes welled up. “I’m so happy I could at least be there for you darling.”

 

“Oh Bismuth!” Pearl jumped up and wrapped her arms around Bismuth’s neck. Bismuth put her arms around Pearl’s waist and pulled her down into her lap so she was straddling her. “I always want to be your Pearl! I missed you so much, I thought about you all the time! I was so alone for so long I just…”

 

Bismuth pulled Pearl back so she could look at her face. Pearl’s hands not falling from Bismuth’s shoulders. “You shouldn’t ever belong to anyone again Pearl. How about I belong to you this time? Hm? You wanna own an old Bismuth?”

Bismuth chuckled breathily an inch from Pearl’s mouth. Pearl smiled. “We belong together.”

 

Bismuth closed the distance between their mouths.

 

They spent the whole night outside, only separating to whisper a breathy ‘I love you’ into the night.

 

Pearl didn’t think she could feel any less alone.


End file.
